Tuesday, August 10, 2004

"Now watch this drive."

These are random thoughts of Jeb Lund, a writer for OnlineOnslaught.com, a wrestling website (yes, there are websites for wrestling, and yes, I visit them):

There's comedy, there's high comedy, and then there's "Jamaican" Kendra, the Vampire Slayer from the second season of Buffy. She can't tell if she's Jamaican or from Northern Ireland. "Ah cain't tell if ah should tink you be a vumpaire slayin ting! CALL ME NOW! I miss de ould sod o' Dublin! Aye, Darlin', let's sing 'The Rare Old Mountain Dew'! NO COLA NUT! Oo' wants de Guinness and de ganja?"

If I hear a song like "Barbie Girl" by Aqua come on the radio while I'm driving, I automatically change the station. Not because I really object to the song, but because I can picture getting in a fatal accident, and the officer on scene finding my bloodied body while a girl wails: I'm a blond bimbo girl, in a fantasy world/Dress me up, make it tight, I'm your dolly. Not a good way to go out.

It's only a matter of time before there's a power-punk cover of the Law & Order theme.

I give it four years max before I meet a hippie girl named Chlamydia.

I don't care how old and infirm she becomes, if the media starts rehabilitating Yoko Ono as some sort of well-meaning artistic quasi-genius in her twilight years, I'm going on a killing spree.

I'll put it this way: if I get to choose my form of torture in Hell, and my three options are a Jennifer Love-Hewitt album, Jewel's poetry or a collection of Sarah Michelle Gellar interviews... I sincerely won't know which one hurts the least.

M. Night Shyamalan's "twist ending" gimmick is pretty played out. So I'm thinking that his next film should be about world peace coming true. Then, five minutes from the ending of the film, during the premiere showing, he can cut through the movie screen with a Bowie knife, scream at the audience, then mow everyone down with a machine gun. On the DVD commentary (recorded in prison), he can say, "The clue for the audience is the color red used throughout the film. RED FOR BLOOOOOOODDD!!!!!" Come on, people, work with him, here.

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