Thursday, July 22, 2004

"M" for Mature

I found this test screening review of BLADE 3 on the net. Most reviews were negative, except this one.

Blade III: Non-Stop Fight Boner
By Neill Cumpston

I saw Blade III Monday night in Hollywood and I’m still punching things in my head, 2 days later. This movie is coming out in December, so even if you get dick-rot and a vegetable platter for Christmas there’s a present waiting for you in a theater. I wish there was a way to say “Fuck Yeah!” and see this movie at the same time. Wait, there is. Blade III is Cool Ranch Fuck.

Also, this is one of those cool movies where the Plot Scenes keep trying to come on screen and bore the shit out of you, but the Action Shit is all like, “See this?” (shows the Plot Scenes its fist) and before the Plot Scenes can say, “Yeah, it’s a…” the fist is suddenly mulching their nose and then cream corn is shooting out your poo-tunnel ‘cuz the movie is so good.

Here’s the plot:

1. The Vampires dig up Crunch Gym Dracula. The Vampires want to use Crunch Gym Dracula’s blood for something evil.

2. On the other side there’s these vampire killers called the Night Stalkers who want to use Dracula’s blood to make a potion that will kill all vampires.

3. And in the middle of it is Blade III, who puts on his foot-to-ass boots and kicks the chili-cooking fuck out of everything in sight.

Every single action sequence just fucking starts, and then midway through everyone takes a breather and explains why they’re kicking ass, and also why the ass-kicking’s going to go up a notch, and every time it does. There will be a lot of nerd masturbation happening during these scenes, so sit in the back of the theater.

And then, as if the director (who directed all 3, and actually wrote this one) decided to give the Blade fans a bonus for being cool, this film has two big gifts: a hottie chick, plus the hottie chick using bad-ass weapons which are so bad-ass they’re like hot chicks in themselves.

The Hottie Chick is played by Jessica Biel, who gave you a chubby you still have in TEXAS SWEATY HALF-T MASSACRE. And her new weapons are this laser bow that she slices vampires up with, plus a shoe knife, plus a bow and arrow which should get its own movie series. Like, different actors could show up in Steve Martin films and just shoot him with the arrows when he gets boring, which is all the time now. Jessica and her weapons are so hot that she not only gets a shower scene where she washes off blood, but also a scene where she’s suiting up with all her weapons, and I checked during both of these scenes and, yep, boners.

Plus, she shows her belly a lot. Hello freeze frame on the DVD. There should also be a bonus feature called Jessica’s Belly where you get to see all the shots they didn’t use.

She and her group of Night Stalkers, which include the dude who played Van Wilder, want to team up with Blade III, but he’s all like, “I’m Blade”, and “Go fuck yourself”, but then he goes ahead and kicks ass with them anyway. He’s got some awesome new weapons, too, like this sword-on-a-rope that I wish I had when I’m at Six Flags and it’s crowded.

The Van Wilder guy plays Hannibal King, and he’s always saying funny shit, which I laughed at when he said it but now all I can think about is Jessica and that goddamn belly.

Plus there’s an awesome car chase, a bunch of motorcycle fights, vampire dogs, Goth fags getting killed, a wrestler vampire, a Parker Posey vampire, swordfights, electronic pistols that make DVDs of the people you kill with them, a super-nasty death in a shower, plus three sequences where Blade just walks through warehouse/offices, setting up dates between his foot and different dudes’ nutsacks. There’s also a dude from Best in Show, plus another dude from The Warriors, plus a little girl who says something super-creepy to Dracula.

Christmas came early, and so did I, on the left-over spooge still in my pants from Blade II (if New Line pulls quotes for the poster, there you go).


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