Thursday, March 20, 2003

Descent


This week will go down in my memories as one of the worst weeks, EVAR.

I had planned to cut all communicative ties to the outside world (i.e. phones, email, this blog, etc.), especially this blog since I know some people read this crap (I don't know who, you damn peepers), but I think I should post some stuff so that I can look back and remember what I went through.

Not that I'll ever forget.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of my so called life.
I'm tired of being unhappy.
I'm tired of all the horrible shit that God keeps throwing at my direction.
I'm tired of unanswered prayers.
I'm tired of constantly being disappointed by people.
I'm tired of disappointing others.
I'm tired of being poor.
I'm tired of all the nothings that pervade my daily life.
I'm tired of feeling dead.
I'm tired of this crappy cesspool of a world.
I'm so very tired.

God is sovereign. God is sovereign. God is sovereign... So God, when are you going to tell me your crazy little plans you have for me? How does all this fit into your plan? What the heck is the purpose in all this? What are you trying to pull? What good will come of this?

My suicidal thoughts have dissipated a little, not that I could do it anyway. If I could, I would have done it Monday night.

I'm feeling a lot better, thanks to all the support, especially from Amy and Grace. I won't be attending church for a little bit -- I need to sort out some issues with God (obviously) before I can go to his house and worship. I guess this is the part where I ask you (whoever is reading) to pray for me, if I still believed in prayers being answered that is. Well, I can't stop you from doing it. Go ahead. Prove me wrong. I hope you do.

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