Wednesday, January 15, 2003

"It's such a stupid question, in my opinion. I mean how do you know what you're going to do till you do it? The answer is, you don't. I think I am, but how do I know? I swear it's a stupid question."

I was supposed to go see a counselor today, to figure out what classes I need to take so that I can graduate this semester. I was on the way to school, listening to Coldplay again, deep in thought, when I realized something.

My life is pointless.

I've been "studying" Law Enforcement at Fullerton College for almost 3 years now. 3 friggin' years! And I didn't have a job for 2 of those years. Why is it taking so long? And this Law Enforcement thing, is it for real? Do I REALLY want to be a cop, or am I just chasing after some stupid childhood fantasy that's probably a result of watching too many movies? If this is really what I want to do, then why am I not dedicated, like other people? They're actually going to classes, studying for exams, working out, and attending the academy. What the hell am I doing? All I do is drop classes so that "I can take them next semester." And if this is not what I really want to do, then what is? What am I going to do with my life? I have no direction... no focus... no talents... no guide.

But, I can ask God for help.

Of course I can. And I did. Right there. In the car. I've never felt so helpless, so useless, so... broken. Yet, I'm doubtful. I know God will answer me, but when will that be? When I'm 30? And what if he tells me to go do something that I can't even fathom being successful in, or that I'm TOTALLY against -- being a missionary comes to mind. What will I do? Run away? Say no to God?

I'm not scared of God not answering me, I'm scared of what his answer will be.

Have I been wasting my time? 3 years -- that's a lot of time wasted. I decided not to register in any classes this semester, except for that art class, which I'm taking with Amy. I have to figure out my plans, my goals, my life.

I'm so depressed right now... I just want to lie down on my bed, and sleep... forever.

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